Blessed

I came away from the Cardiologist appointment not feeling happy. Not because of anything that was done, more that I didn’t find out anything and a whole heap of uncertainty now lies ahead of us again. I’m going to divulge some information I am very embarrassed by just to get it off my chest. Thus far I have avoided having to speak of it, but it’s part of the mystery now so here goes:

I was taken off my diuretic at the beginning of the year. Shortly afterwards I started to slowly but surely gain weight.I went back to my doctor repeatedly questioning if it could be fluid. I have very little appetite and when I do eat I make the effort to make healthy choices. I am by no way a health nut, I have slip-ups but nothing major and not repeatedly over any period of time. I have seen a  nutritionist, kept a food diary (Which the nutritionist said she saw very little she would change), tried dieting, tried not eating at all, tried limiting fluid, tried having more fluid and nothing is working. I am continuing to gain weight. Through all this it has been mildly suggested by my doctor I am not telling the full truth about my eating habits. I’ve given up trying to make them believe me.

I’ve gone back on my diuretic, and lost 3kg overnight. I then forgot to take it and that weight came back on. Coincidence? Besides this I am now the heaviest I have ever weighed – heavier than I was at FULL TERM with TWINS!! I don’t like the way I feel or look.

So today I hoped there would be some kind of answer. But everything looks ok, at least no different from last time. So I’m going back for an Echo on Thursday just to rule out any worsening of my heart condition. Meanwhile my White Blood cells are high, my CRP and ESR (Inflammation markers) are through the roof and it seems no one is able to put all the pieces of this puzzle together.

And it just kinda hurt, because I really like my cardiologist, trust him a lot. I explained my lack of apetite and weight gain regardless. He was so nice about it, but did suggest a nutritionist. Which I’m fine with, but it just made me feel again is no one listening to me? I am barely eating at the moment and still gaining weight.

Just feeling very weighed down (Literally and figuratively!) by this at the moment. Doctors keep stressing how important it is I lose weight, but don’t listen when I explain how hard I am trying. Or they listen but don’t believe me which I suspect is actually the case.

So I’ve had more bloods, and it looks like I’ll be back to see the rheumotologist early next year. But what in the meantime? Will this uncontrollable weight gain continue? That is what I am so very scared of. I already don’t want anyone to see me!  And how ridiculous is that when I have much bigger worries – ie that my heart continues to function close to normal. But how does one go from being a low healthy weight to being in the obese BMI category in a matter of three years and deal well with that? Plus the fact even when I was at my lowest weight I still had issues and wanted to be smaller, oh how I wish for those days.

This is just how I feel right now. A little bit of wallowing and I’ll be all good. Plus you will all still love me if I continue to get bigger. Won’t you?