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So blogging hasn’t been at the top of my priority list lately. I had so many cute things the boys had said I wanted to put on here so I’d remember them, but alas it is too late. Life has been busy, tiring and at times has felt a little soul-destroying. Like my latest Echo, showing deterioration in my Heart function. I’m feeling pretty fed up of being on meds that make me feel horrible that, at the moment, AREN’T EVEN WORKING.

So my energy has been focused on trying to coerce myself into taking my own medications. It’s gotten to the point that if I have forgotten to refil my daily med dispenser, I get extremely frustrated and don’t bother to take my meds that day.

And I feel good. For a whole day. It’s the next day I feel terrible, in a completely different way to the med side-effect horrible. So, I can’t win.

And to be honest, I am usually so optimistic about all this stuff that at the moment I just want to be frustrated and annoyed. I’m all out of happy optomism at the moment, and I’m just gonna roll with it.

And I don’t care. I’m sick of being sick, and I might sound like a complaining person not thankful for what I do have but so what. This does suck.

Yay!!!! My parents are going to be Grandparents again!!

Hehe, no I’m not pregnant. That’d be just a little life threatening. But my baby sister is!!! I am so pleased for her, and extremely excited. Her and her partner will be Fabulous parents, and I can’t wait to meet my new niece or nephew

My to do list this week;

Care plus visit = Check

Wellness plan created = check

Confirm Cardiologist appointment for Thursday = check

Flu jab = check

Catch a nasty head cold and have to wait a full 24 hours on regular panadol for the fever to break = …. *sigh* check.

Now there is actually no correlation between the fact I had the flu jab, and then developed a nasty flu-like bug. The virus in the injection is not alive, it just triggers your immune system. however now my family are utterly convinced the flu jab makes you ill. It made my Grandad sick, a friend of a friend sick, it just makes everyone sick. And now here I am perpetuating the myth. It makes me laugh an evil chuckle

Well, I intended to contiue with twin Tuesday where I talked about all things Twins, but after the first post I completely forgot. And today is Friday. Nonetheles, my two trouble makers sweet young men said some gorgeous things today I’d like to share.

First of all, I asked benji to help me with my status update on Facebook. After prompting him by telling him it was meant to say what Mummy was doing, he got very frustrated. I said to him, it starts with Carla you tell me the rest… he came up with this;

“our surname, Craig Surname, ME surname, James surname. No, ME. ME surname. Benanan surname.”

Descriptive.

It was one of those days, where no matter how many times I may say something I am completely ignored by my two little cherubs. After James ran away from me when he was meant to be getting in the car I asked him if he had his listening ears on.

“No Mummy” he replied, “I have my ears on, but their not listening.”

Ahh. Nice to clear that up.

Now we have just given two very tired little boys their dinner. After one mouthful Ben said “I’m finished” and promptly fell asleep. I only wish I could fall asleep that easily!

They are such wonderful boys. My twins. My miracles.

On a very serious note, can I please ask for positive thoughts/prayers for an extended family member whom has just had her second child and has ended up in ICU in critical condition due to complications. Thank you.

I’ve always bitten my nails. Well, that’s not quite accurate. Since I was eight and my piano teacher told me my nails were much to long and to bite them off before we could start my lesson I have always bitten my nails.

Well a few weeks ago I just stopped. And now I have nails. And they’re really annoying. It’s hard to type, stuff gets under them and I keep accidently scratching the boys. But the idea of biting them grosses me out. And I’m too busy to do anything with them so they remain.

Ben just came to the top of the stairs and called out to me “Daddy just growled at me.”

“Were you not listening?” I replied.

Ben; “Nope”

Me; “Ahh, well he’ll do that.”

We did baking today. I was really pleased as I felt terrible and still managed to do fun stuff with the boys. We made fruit muffins and biscuit slice. We licked bowls and spoons and just generally had a good time (Note, licking was done once baking was finished!)

Seems I’m becoming the crazy cat lady well before my time. Good timing since my cat is pregnant (opps)…..

Judging by other peoples reactions I may just be losing my mind a little

Because lately I’ve been making jokes about my death. And people have looked at me like there’s something wrong with me. But really, how could I possibly have a life as long as most of the people I know? Better to prepare them for the coming eventuality. For example my comment yesterday to my baby sister and Mum that I have heaps of black clothes if I need to go to a funeral. I just hope it’s not mine. And then my musings on whether I should have gone to a recent school reunion as I probably won’t be here for the 25th. Have I lost my mind?

Well most likely. But honestly I’ve just got my meds sorted out for my heart condition and now I’m having to go to a haematologist for a bone marrow biopsy. I’d just like a little rest from all this medical stuff.

And in saying that I feel terrible today. So I’m cancelling my Cardiologist appointment. What’s going to have changed anyway? Plus I came of my diuretic which was nice for a little while but my ankles got too sore yesterday so I took some and I’ve lost 3kg overnight.

So in sum, I need to get a grip. But at the moment I have the overwhelming urge to laugh crazily…

Today has been a long day. Not a bad day necessarily, but I’m finding this wait for a new appointment time hard. I hate meeting new specialists and I’m already feeling nervous. I don’t want to overwhelm myself and have decided to postpone the whole WW thing for a few weeks until this appointment is out of the way.

That’s really all I have to say on that subject. anything more and what we are going through at the moment will become to real.

So for as long as I have been unwell, I have also been told that a healthy balanced diet is an absolute necessity for me.  Something that could mean the difference between recovery and decline; feeling well or struggling to get through the day. Unfortunately for me I have a confusion over food. Eating healthy is to me someone saying I need to lose bundles or weight and not eat very much at all. Feeling hungry is good, feeling full is to be avoided.

Obviously this approach to food isn’t great. It has been even less helpful in the last three years. So even though the idea scares me greatly I am joining WW to learn about low GI healthy eating.

The reason I’m scared is because what if I eat this way and gain weight? Or lose weight but still feel so unwell all the time? I rarely feel hungry these days, so the thought of eating more to lose weight seems particularly strange.

I guess it comes to a point that I realise I need to be able to say i tried everything. What does it show my boys, or myself, if in five years time I’m really unwell and say if only I’d tried this healthy eating path. What if it had made a difference.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s that I don’t want what ifs. So on Thursday I will bravely go to the first meeting. I am blessed to have a very good friend coming with me. I’m so nervous!!

Just taking a little blogging break and enjoying th holidays with my two three sweet boys.

All is well. I’m beginning to get back into Facebook and emails and am catching up slowly. Was very saddened to read this story which just goes to show how very dangerous PPCM and Dilated cardiomyopathy is in general. I have much to be thankful for. My thoughts are with Mandi’s family.

Speaking about health related matters I am moving on from the rhuemotologist and onto a Haemotologist. Have decided to make my way through all the specialists no one has ever heard of Very little else to say on this subject.

Hoping you all had a wonderful christmas and New Years!

Ok, I admit it. It was just too cute for me to say no.

We went for a trip to the pet store and came home with Nemo. Ben spotted him, an orange gold fish with white splotches, and proclaimed it to be Nemo. He was thus so attached to said fish he didn’t want to look at anything else – there were puppies and kittens and baby bunnies! So we have a new little member of our family. Though we have a long history of not being the best fish owners – they seem to die rather suddenly no matter what we do.

And then the boys decided they wanted to go swimming like Nemo. That fitted in perfectly with my plan to fill up the paddling pool, so after waiting about half an hour for the hose to fill their pool, many trips with buckets of warm water so it was a nice temperature, the boys hopped in and spent about a minute in there, then wanted to know what we were doing next.

Indeed.